Instead of “Who is your daddy” i accidentally asked “How is your daddy”. We ended up putting our clothes back on and discussed her fathers Cholesterol problem

Father: Dude, why did you break up with her? She was a good woman..!?
•°•
Son: She’s a murderer, she killed a spider in my room. How can I date someone who ruined my chances of becoming spiderman..

Doesn’t matter how old i am when i see a jump castle i jump in

Going To Bed the other night

I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help me. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up

A minute later I rang again.

“Hello”, i said , ” I Called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed , you don’t have to hurry now ,because I’ve shot them “…

Within Minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus Helicopters and armed response unit.

They caught the bundars red-handed

one of the officers said : ” I thought you said you’d shot them.

To Which I replied: “I thought you said there was no one available”.

Dating a broke guy is very stresfull
Every 5minutes he will be like… “Babe promise u will never leave me”🙆

“No Woman Can Control Me, No Woman Can Control Me”; “No woman can tell me what to do”
~•~^~•~
But Once She Says: “Go Lock the Door First” You Fly Like A Bird..!

My mother used to communicate with eyes while I was growing up…
When visitors are in the house and I am jumping up and down, there is an eye sign which means ​”get out”​

When visitors are eating and you want to eat with them, there is this particular look which means ​”if you collect anything here I will skin you alive”​ but meanwhile she will be telling the visitors “don’t mind her, she won’t eat or she has eaten..”

When you pay a visit to any family member and you want to cry over what is not yours, there is this look which means ​”if I hear pim from you again, I will flog you dead”​.

But today’s mother… I mean our young mummies today ehhh…
Their eyes are already weakened with mascara, eye lashes and heavy-duty facelifts and make-ups from Mary Kay to Jenifer Lopez to Angelina Jolie. In short, the eyes can’t communicate again… when they are looking at a child, the child will be looking back at them because that child is seeing them as either a magician or masquerade or even doll baby, which they are used to.

Share with folks on your contacts list. Don’t laugh alone.

When i go to a birthday party and the cake and drink doesnt reach me,
i will just remove generator wire.
did u think i came because you are growing older?