The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, “Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?”

“Sure! What do you want me to do?” he asks.

The little girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” questions a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means…”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Helloooo,……….. just because I’m a Senior Citizen doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year–that these windows would pay for themselves in a year—
Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

I just finished three books today.
Believe it or not, but that’s a lot of coloring

I applied for a new job as a server at a retirement home. When asked why I left my last employment I replied, ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’
They played a game they call BRIDGE, and every night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’
And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’. Another lady was talking about protecting her honor.
And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!

Two engineers arrived at work at the same time and one said, “You normally walk to work. Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking home yesterday, took a shortcut through the park, and was minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Teacher: who is Jose Rizal?
(quiet the class, no man lifted up the hand until John and said. )
John: maybe different section ma ‘ am.

There Are Three Kinds Of Men In The World.

Some Remain Single & Make Wonders Happen,

Some Have Girlfriends & See Wonders Happen,

The Rest Get Married & Wonder What Happened?

Teacher: “Who Created The Earth?”

(Boy Pokes A Girl’s Back With A Pen)

Girl: “Oh God!”

Teacher: “Good Girl. Correct Answer”

Teacher Again Asked: “Who Was Born On 25 Dec?”

(Boy Again Pokes The Girls Back)

Girl: “Oh Jesus!”

Teacher: “Very Good. Correct Answer”

Teacher Again Asked: “What Did Eve Tell To Adam When They Had Their 17th Baby?”

(Boy Pokes On Girl’s Back Again)

Girl: “If You Don’t Stop Inserting That Thing In Me Now. I’ll Break That Into 2 Pieces And Just Put It Into Your Nostrils.”

Teacher Fainted!!

Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: Three. Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: Ten dollars.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years.
Lady: So one pack is $10 and you’ve been smoking three packs a day, which puts your monthly spend at $900. In one year it would’ve been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Yes.
Lady: If you spend $10,800 a year, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your total spend at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Yes.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn’t smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after calculating compound interest for the past 15 years, you could’ve by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Yes. Oh! Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where’s your fucking Ferrari?

Stupid Answers for Stupid Questions
1. Someone calls you at 2:am in
the night and ask you “are you
sleeping?”
Ans: no, I’m picking beans.
2. You’re making out with a girl
then you start pulling her pants
then she asks; what are you trying to
do?
Ans: I want to wash them for you
3. They see you coming out of
the bathroom, wet; ”did you just have
a bath?”
Ans: no, I fell into the toilet bowl
4. You standing right in front of
the elevator on the ground floor
going to your office, yet they ask;
”going up?”
Ans: no, I’m waiting for my office
to come down and meet me!
5. Your boyfriend comes home
with a bunch of flowers and you
still asks him; ”are those flowers?”
Ans: no baby, they’re carrots!
6. You’re in the queue at the
cinema to buy tickets, a friend
sees you and ask; ”what are you
doing here?”
Ans: I’m here to pay my school
fees!
7. When people see you lying
down with your eyes closed, they
still ask; ”are you sleeping?”
Ans: No! I’m practicing to die.
8. You went to a restaurant n the
waiter asks you: ”Plz can I get
you a table?”
Ans: No. I’m here to eat on the
floor.
9. Are you reading this post?
Ans:…..??????!!!!

If after Dating a guy for 5-8 years,He leaves you for someone else.
My sister take a taxi to his house and ask him for an Award for Long Service

If you cheated on her and she dumps you then
after few month you ask for love back and
she agrees, just know she’s gonna pay revenge..
it’s her turn now my nigga.