I look at some people sometimes and ask myself
“Who will kiss this one

I hate people who can’t handle alcohol.
Yesterday my friends dropped me three times while carrying me home

A new sign in the Bank reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through cash
machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their
accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have
been developed. Please follow the
Appropriate steps for your gender.’
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter
PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window
down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you
will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into
machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier
access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct
PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view
mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate
purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque
book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull
off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.

When you’ve ran out of news and you only left with those
you’ve been told not to tell anyone🙆

Jack was lying on the doctors examination table today when she asked “How is your libido?” “My what?” I replied “Libido” she said “Do you feel like having sex?” “OK,” I replied “But we’ll need to be quick my wife is in waiting room “

“Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?” Pastor replied, “No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.The man answered” “Pastor, but do you think they will accept a donation of $250,000 in return for the burial service?” Pastor exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t u tell me that dog was a Christian.”

If your girlfriend picks up a call and start pressing the volume key down, that’s him.
That’s your deputy