One day I wish to wake up in the morning,
turn on the news and hear
“Monday is cancelled, go back to sleep”

A new sign in the Bank reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through cash
machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their
accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have
been developed. Please follow the
Appropriate steps for your gender.’
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter
PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window
down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents
on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you
will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into
machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier
access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct
PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view
mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate
purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque
book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull
off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.

Facebook is the only book we read everyday

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones’ mother-in-law’s turn.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”

“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”

“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”

“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.

How are you going to know pillow fights
while your boyfriend uses blankets as pillows

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel…! No. Think of another wish.” The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know what they really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….” The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

This morning I went jogging but then I remembered
Proverbs 28:1 which says “
the wicked shall run when no one is chasing them “….
I went back home

Whn U Thought U Have An Important Message Thn Boom💥
“Say Hi To Your New Facebook Friend”

I’m the only one who hate it while cooking and
someone open the door of a pot and listen to the salt

Are you happy with your voice when
you hear it from the voice note?

Dear guys Please motivate your “HEY” in your inbox.
Eg “Hey I was wondering if I could get your number I wanna E-wallet you”
Don’t let your “HEY” be naked….Thank me later.

If yu wanna be hated by all woman….
Be rich, intelligent, prosperous,Tall, Handsome and
then be gay ✊