There Are Three Kinds Of Men In The World.

Some Remain Single & Make Wonders Happen,

Some Have Girlfriends & See Wonders Happen,

The Rest Get Married & Wonder What Happened?

Teacher: “Who Created The Earth?”

(Boy Pokes A Girl’s Back With A Pen)

Girl: “Oh God!”

Teacher: “Good Girl. Correct Answer”

Teacher Again Asked: “Who Was Born On 25 Dec?”

(Boy Again Pokes The Girls Back)

Girl: “Oh Jesus!”

Teacher: “Very Good. Correct Answer”

Teacher Again Asked: “What Did Eve Tell To Adam When They Had Their 17th Baby?”

(Boy Pokes On Girl’s Back Again)

Girl: “If You Don’t Stop Inserting That Thing In Me Now. I’ll Break That Into 2 Pieces And Just Put It Into Your Nostrils.”

Teacher Fainted!!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Helloooo,……….. just because I’m a Senior Citizen doesn’t mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year–that these windows would pay for themselves in a year—
Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

I just finished three books today.
Believe it or not, but that’s a lot of coloring

I applied for a new job as a server at a retirement home. When asked why I left my last employment I replied, ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’
They played a game they call BRIDGE, and every night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’
And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’. Another lady was talking about protecting her honor.
And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!

Two engineers arrived at work at the same time and one said, “You normally walk to work. Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking home yesterday, took a shortcut through the park, and was minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Teacher: who is Jose Rizal?
(quiet the class, no man lifted up the hand until John and said. )
John: maybe different section ma ‘ am.

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says: “A Spanish girl!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – a Spanish girl!!”
“Oh, that,” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!”

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, “Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?”

“Sure! What do you want me to do?” he asks.

The little girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” questions a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means…”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.”

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”