[Me in court]
–
Judge : “Did you kill this man?”
–
Ronnie : “No, a bullet killed him, you see a bullet is made of lead which comes from the ground.
The ground is part of nature so
this man died of natural causes…case closed!!!”

I don’t trust girls who visit me with Large Handbags.
I once lost a Fridge,
Washing Machine and my brother

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:

– The tender one
– The amazing one
– Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second number on which his sister replied . When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole months salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as “Ghafoor mechanic”

knock knock
😒: Who’s there
😂:Coca cola
😒:Coca cola who?
😂:Coca cola lang sana Ang Yung minahal di ka muling mag iisa ,di kana mangangaylangan pang humanap ng iba.🎶🎵
Ps:Nakita ko lang sa PROFOUNDLY

What do you call the security
outside Samsung Galaxy shop??
–
Guardians of the Galaxy

Wife hit her husband (Rich) with her frying pan

Rich: “what was that for…?”😡

Wife: “I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it”😠

Rich: “I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse”😐

Wife: “Oh sorry”😢

(Next day wife hit him with her frying pan again)😐

Rich: “What now…?”😩

Wife: “Your horse is on the phone

Stepfather: “what must i bring back for my kids?”😎

Kids: “Bring back our real father”

I always try to cheer myself up by singing
when I’m sad. Most of the time,
it turns out that my voice is worse
than my problems.
–

Dear Alcohol
We had a deal where you would make me funnier,
smarter and a better dancer……..
I saw the video of myself……. We need to talk.

Why can’t Satan just swallow his pride and
go and apologise to God so that we can
go back to the Garden of Eden and
stay naked coz clothes are too expensive.

*Lady 1:*
My husband has swallowed a Paracetamol by mistake,

what shall I do now ?

.

.

.

*Lady 2:*
Give him some headache now,

why waste the medicine

_*A SINCERE APOLOGY:*_

_A man received this message from his neighbor_…
_”Sorry sir_, _I have been using your wife day and night when you are not at home, in fact_, _much more than you do_.
_I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty_. _Hope you will accept my sincere apologies_.” _I will pay if you wish to charge service fee_

Immediately after reading the message, the man shot his wife dead.

A few minutes later, he received another message:
“Sorry sir, a spelling mistake…
I meant _*WiFi*_ not ~Wife~.”

Patience is a Virtue.

Two mentally disturbed men decided that they have to attend school. So they collected old books and sat under a tree pretending that it was a school . The following day,one got there early and climbed a tree. As the other came and saw his friend on top of the tree he asked:what are you doing up there ? The friend replied : I’m in high school now

I can’t laugh alone 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
A man and his wife were in court to have a Divorce.
The problem in contention was ….who should have the possession of the child.??
The man or the woman?
The woman jumped up and said… “My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour…. alone”.
The judge then turned to the man and gave him the chance to defend himself and the man said ..
“My lord ..I have a question, ….when you insert your ATM card into the ATM machine and the money comes out does the money belong to you or the machine…..”?
😀😀😀😳
��🙄Court adjourned.

BREAKING NEWS.
Zimbabweans can now smile.
President Emmerson Mnangangwa has approved the bill to start payment for all unemployed Zimbabweans within the age of 18-55 years.
They will be paid an allowance of US$250 monthly starting from monday 14/06/2018. All university allowances of US$2000 has been granted to all university students.
To get such Jokes, sms jokes to 111.