Man Dies. In Heaven He Sees A Large Wall Full Of Clocks.

He Asks Angel: “What Are These For?”

Angel Answers: “These Are Lie Clocks, Every Person Has Lie Clock! Whenever You Lie On Earth, Clock Moves.”

The Man Points Towards A Clock And Asks: “Whose Clock Is This?”

Angel Says: “Its Mother Teresa’s. It Never Moved, Showing That She Never Told Lie”

The Man Asks: “Where Is Indian Politician’s Clock?”

Angel Replies: “That’s In Our Office, We Use It As Table Fan“

A Bar Opened Opposite A Church!

The Church Prayed Daily Against The Bar Business

Days Later The Bar Was Struck By Lightning & Caught Fire Which Destroyed It.

Bar Owner Sued The Church Authorities For The Cause Of Its Destruction,

As It Was An Action Because Of Their Prayer, The Church Denied All Responsibility!

So, The Judge Commented,

“It’s Difficult To Decide The Case

Because

Here We Have A Bar Owner Who Believes In The Power Of Prayer

&

An Entire Church That Doesn’t Believe In It !”

A Lecturer Teaching Medical Was Tutoring A Class On Observation.

He Took Out A Jar Of Yellow-Coloured Liquid. This, He Explained, Is Urine.

To Be A Doctor, You Have To Be Observant Two Color, Smell, Sight And Taste.

After Saying This, He Dipped His Finger Into The Jar And Put It Into His Mouth.

His Class Watched On In Amazement, Most, In Disgust!

But Being The Good Students That They Were, The Jar Was Passed,

And One By One, They Dipped One Finger Into The Jar,

And Then Put It Into The Jar And Then Put It Into Their Mouth.

After The Last Std. Was Done, The Lecturer Shook His Head!

The Lecturer: “If Any Of You Had Been Observant, You Would Have Noticed,

That To Put My Second Finger Into The Jar And My Third Finger Into My Mouth.“

The Best Way To Smuggle Drugs Is To Place Them Up A Dog’s Ass.

That Way, Even If The Sniffer Dog Suspects Anything,

The Officials Will Think It’s Just Horny.

Before Exam Boy To His Girl-Friend

Boy: “Hey, All The Best”

Girl-Friend: “All The Best To You Too”

But Girl Scored 80 Marks And Boy Failed.

Moral: Only Boys Wish With True Heart.

Niggas with no beards should have a
meeting and discuss their gender

A woman awakes during the night to find
that her husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes
downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought,
just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as
she steps into the room, “Why
are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee,”I am
just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember
back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that
her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.
“Yes, I do.” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not
coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught
us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember!” said the wife, lowering
herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues,“Do you remember
when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said,’Either you marry my daughter,
or I will send you to jailfor 20 years?”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and
says,”I would have been released today.”

The amount of lipstick some guys have
swallowed in the name of kissing is
enough to paint two local governments
schools

I don’t think you will stop laughing at this
one..??
A man ordered for a voice automated robot
car that does anything he tells it to do
correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on
errands. He became very proud of what the
car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him
to tell the car to go and pick the children
from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car…
Car, go and bring my children from school.
The car went and didn’t return in time as
expected, they knew something must be
wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man
became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a
report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw
the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and
said… “These are your children sir..!”
In the car were their Landlady’s two
daughters, his wife’s best friend’s daughter,
his secretary’s son and their neighbours
two sons.
The Wife in full anger…
Don’t tell me all these are your children..??
The man asked her calmly…
First you tell me why our children are not in
the car..??

South Africa is not going forward because we
still have people who smell their armpits to
decide if they will bath or not.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When the third man starts examining her body so closely,she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation? “The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor. “

When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions….!!
One Day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher:”
Why do.we ignore some letters in pronunciation. eg the letter….’H’…….in Hour, Honest, Honor….. e.t.c………???”

Ms. Doris: “We are not ignoring them; they are considered silent.” …!!
(I was even more confused…..??

During the lunch break, MS. Doris gave me her packed
lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria.

I ate all the food and returned her an empty container….!!

Ms. Doris:—- “What happened, I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container??”

Me: — “.Madam I thought ‘H’ was silent”

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed.
I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!”
“Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.”
“What for?” I asked.
He said, “The drugs.”
I said, “What drugs?”

“In High school, I was very poor in Maths and Chemistry. During the exams, i’d get between 2% an 8%. The results used to be announced out from the lowest to the highest marks. So i would always be the 1st or 2nd to be called out. One day the Maths results were being released and my name wasn’t among the first to be called out. The teacher got to 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s &70s. Still my paper had not been called out. Everyone kept looking at me asking” Man wats up? And the teacher went on to the 80s and when he got to 88%, he had one paper remaining. I then asked myself, could I have scored 90% in Maths ? I was feeling very anxious and happy now that I knew I had proved the so called Genius wrong.. The whole class was amazed as every one kept looking at me. It was unbelievable. Finally the teacher looked up and said, There is a cow who did not write his name on the paper that scored 0%. If you have not received your paper come and get it now”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,”he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand andwhispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”