Race for the Golden boot at Russia2018:
*Cristiano Ronaldo*- 4

Denis Cheryshev- 3
Diego Costa- 3
Lukaku – 2
Kane – 2

Griezmann, and many others- 1

*Lionel Messi,* Anthony Martial, Mario Balotelli, khama Billiat, Asamoah Gyan and myself – 0

My wife found me making Love with our Maid.
Wife : You can’t do this to me .
Me : Exactly that is why am doing it to Her….

Shout out to the lady who complains about
being single but never goes out✌

I guess your soulmate will have to
break into your house then.

“In High school, I was very poor in Maths and Chemistry. During the exams, i’d get between 2% an 8%. The results used to be announced out from the lowest to the highest marks. So i would always be the 1st or 2nd to be called out. One day the Maths results were being released and my name wasn’t among the first to be called out. The teacher got to 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s &70s. Still my paper had not been called out. Everyone kept looking at me asking” Man wats up? And the teacher went on to the 80s and when he got to 88%, he had one paper remaining. I then asked myself, could I have scored 90% in Maths ? I was feeling very anxious and happy now that I knew I had proved the so called Genius wrong.. The whole class was amazed as every one kept looking at me. It was unbelievable. Finally the teacher looked up and said, There is a cow who did not write his name on the paper that scored 0%. If you have not received your paper come and get it now”….

Some parents want their daughters to get
married but don’t allow them to go out. What do
they expect them to do?
Sit at home and
download the husband?*

Me:How do you call Mosquitoes in your Home Language?”
Him:We don’t call them,they just come by themselves!

Seeing people walk out of my life is very painful……
I want them to run

Birthdays are good for your health
Studies show people who have more brithdays tend to live longer..

“Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in
5 years?
Rainbow: Taking your job and asking
better interview questions.”

Can we meet?
If they have not ask you this question in Facebook,
my sister your ugliness is beyond makeup

A man checked into a hotel.There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send a mail to his wife,so he accidentally typed the wrong email address,and without realising he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband’s funeral.The widow decided to check her mail,expecting condolence messages from relatives and frends.After reading the first message she fainted.The son rushed into the room,found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:”To my loving wife,I know u are surprised to hear from me,they have computers here and we allowed to send mails to loved ones.I’ve just been checked in.How are u and the kids.The place is realy nice but l am lonely here.I’ve made necessary arrangment for yo arrival tomorrow.Expecting u darling.I can’t wait to see u!

Do you still remember those awkward days in schools during Exams?
.
1. When a bright student tells the invigilator that question 4 has a problem, but you have already answered it…😳
.
2. When a fellow student asks for a graph paper, but you are finished and did not see anywhere where it was required…😧
.
3. When the invigilator says jump question 6 we will rectify it later, but it was the question you enjoyed most when answering…😟
.
4. When you see people busy using rulers and you are wondering what is going on…😣
.
5. When you hear your friends arguing after the exam whether the answer to question 5 was 35.5% or 36% and your answer was -264

Going To Bed the other night

I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help me. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up

A minute later I rang again.

“Hello”, i said , ” I Called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed , you don’t have to hurry now ,because I’ve shot them “…

Within Minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus Helicopters and armed response unit.

They caught the bundars red-handed

one of the officers said : ” I thought you said you’d shot them.

To Which I replied: “I thought you said there was no one available”.