A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”
The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. How much water did you drink ?

Aman was summoned to his attorney’s office.
“Doyou want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.

Man-“Giveme the bad news first.”
Lawyer-“Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars.”

Man-“That’sthe bad news?” laughed the man. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

Lawyer-The terrible news is…
“Thepicture is of you and your secretary!”