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Self Care Tips to all Husband, who take alcohol this New Year

1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward…

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You’re lying on the floor.
Cure : Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : you are looking through an empty glass.
Cure : Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You’re being dragged away.
Cure : At least ask where they’re taking you!

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it
Cure : Stop making a fool of yourself, position your glass correctly

6. Symptom : Your wife and all your kids are looking funny.
Cause : You’re in the wrong house.
Cure : Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You’re in an ambulance.
Cure : Don’t move. Let the professionals do their job

ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST

Jenny 3 Comments

You invite a lady for a date and she brings her friend. Dont panic, devote all attention to her friend. She won’t repeat that nonsense in 2018

Jonathan 3 Comments

I’m taking my girlfriend back to school the only reason she writes Xmas is because she doesn’t know the spelling of Chresms.
Stupid girl !!!

Jenny 3 Comments

*Virginity Test*
*Son*: _Dad,I want to marry how can I know if my wife is a virgin_?
*Dad*: _Do virginity test_..
*Son*: _What do you mean_
*Dad*: _Buy a red and blue paint_
*Son*: _How can that help_?
*Dad*: _Paint your left ball with the blue paint,and your right ball with the red paint,when you want to have sex_ _remove_
_your underwear_; _If she says_ , _I have never seen_ _strange balls like this in my life_, _that mean she’s not a Virgin_..
_Case closed

Jenny 3 Comments

If a thermometer uses alcohol and gives accurate readings;
then one must not ignore the opinion of a drunkard.

*Are we together?*

Jenny 3 Comments

First year Students at University of Amahlanya la engifunda khona, were receiving their first anatomy class, on the surgery table was a dead cow.

They gathered around the table. The professor started the class by telling them, ” in Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Vet doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.” For example
, The Professor stuck his finger in the anus of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth – “mhh… low on fibre” he said.

“Go ahead and do the same thing, “He told his students. The student freaked out, hesitant but went ahead and eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking it very disgusted but most murmuring the same conclusion, “yes… low on fibre”.

When everyone had finished, the professor looked at them and said “While I can’t fault you in your methods to diagnose low fibre, the second most important quality of a Vet Doctor is the power of observation, if you had observed carefully, I stuck in my middle finger and sucked my index finger. Now learn to pay attention otherwise you will eat a lot of crap in my class.

Make sure your friends pay attention today

Jenny 3 Comments

A teacher asked her class
“What is sex?”
Johnny got up and said:
“Sex is a *temptation* ,
caused by a *sensation*
where a boy sticks his *location*
into a girl’s *destination*
to increase the *population*
of the next *generation* .
Did you get my *explanation* ?
Or do you need a *demonstration* ?
The teacher fainted

Jonathan 3 Comments

Don’t tell me your secrets
cause when I get to
bae’s place I’ll start
saying everything.

Jonathan 3 Comments

*I know there are so many things dat won’t be tolerated in 2018 buh these are some random QUOTES dat are free to enter 2018*

1. Being kissed does not mean you are loved.
Ask Jesus about Judas😂😂😂😂

2. 80% of cute girls are single because all boys
think she definitely has a boyfriend!
😂😂😂😂

3. Welcome to Africa where Jesus sends you a
whatsapp message and threatens to kill you if
you do not send it to 20 people😂😂😂

4. No matter how light skinned you are, your
shadow will always be black😂😂😂

5. Gaining weight while you owe me money is a
sign of Disrespect. # LOLZ😂😂😂😂

6. The distance between Egypt and Israel is
about 613km but it took moses and Israelites 40
years to complete their journey. On average each day
they walked only 43 metres, yes only 43 metres,
almost half of what Usain Bolt do in 5 seconds. I just
wish if moses was around to explain this
Laziness😂😂😂😂

7. The reason why some other guys treats you
better than your boyfriend is because they
haven’t slept with you yet.😂😂😂😂

8. Some ladies will be matching purses with
clothes But cannot match babies to their real Daddies #
WINKS *😂😂

9. MARY was a virgin and she married a
carpenter (JOSEPH). You are not a virgin and you are
waiting for a billionaire to marry you?
I will not say anything😳😂😂😂😂

10. No African girl will choose six packs over
six cars, so stop going to the gym and go to
work # FACT😂😂😂😂

11. If the government would ban women from
using makeup, a lot of kids will not recognise
their mothers😂😂😂😂

12. The only person a woman attentively
listens to and obeys sincerely and does exactly
as he say is a PHOTOGRAPHER, otherwise if you’re not a
photographer, sit down and be strong😂😂😂😂

13. You haven’t moved on if you still remember
your Ex’s phone number. I’m not gonna argue
with you.
😂😂😂

14. Slim Girls who go for jogging at dawn, what do
you want to lose again…
Your life?😂

Jonathan 3 Comments

So today I hugged a Xhosa girl immediately I received a bank notification that R125,00 has been deducted from my account

Jenny 3 Comments

Once a Lawyer was travelling by train from Liverpool to Manchester.

When the train started, he realized he was traveling alone in the business class. A few minutes later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat!

The lady kept smiling at him and eventually she sat next to him …. the lawyer kept bubbling with Joy.

She then leaned towards him and whispered in his ear … “Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me, else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me”. The Lawyer stared blankly at her!!

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote “I am sorry, I can not hear or speak … Please write on this paper whatever you want to say”

The lady wrote everything that she had said earlier and gave it back to him!

The Lawyer took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket … got up and told her in clear tones …
*Now SHOUT & SCREAM!!!*

Moral of the story:

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*

If you don’t know how to get your dealings documented, you better learn this 2018. Once your transaction is documented the Law of evidence vindicates you.

Jenny 3 Comments

SON: “Tell me dad… what is the difference between
“POTENTIAL” and “REALITY”?”
DAD: ‘I will show you’
Dad turns to his wife and asks her:
‘Would you sleep with man for $5 million?’
WIFE: “Yes of course! I would never waste such an
opportunity!”
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would again sleep with a man
for $ 5 million?
DAUGHTER: “Wow!!!!! Oh… Yes!”
So the father turns back to his SON and
says:
‘You see SON, “POTENTIALLY” we are sitting on $10 million,
but in “REALITY” ??………

Jonathan 3 Comments

Witchcraft is when your girlfriend starts arguing with a Bouncer in a Club…and ends up saying…”My boyfriend ain’t scared of you!!”

Jonathan 3 Comments

Mathematician: How to write 4 in between 5?
China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question’s wrong.
UK: Not found on Internet.
Zimbabwe: F(IV)E
This is the reason you find Zimbabweans
everywhere in the world in finance, business,
medicine, engineering….
anything to do with using your brain.
British: Can u Swim?
Zimbabwean: No
British: Then a Dog is Better den u because It
Swims.
Zimbabwean: Can u Swim?
British: Yes!
Zimbabwean: Then What’s the Difference
between u & Dog…
British Shocked, Zimbo Rocks!

Jenny 3 Comments

There’s no other romantic walk than
walking with bae to the ATM

Jonathan 3 Comments

If you see a group of Four girls and you want to Talk to one, first Greet the Ugly one, She is the_*
*Commander in Chief