I don’t trust girls who visit me with Large Handbags.
I once lost a Fridge,
Washing Machine and my brother
Sub Categories
(Be careful and wise). One day i was just sitting in my room relaxing, i heard my phone rings, it was unknowing number from outside the country. I answered hello nigga, the (guy) fine nigga. Am Jerry calling from London, i my speaking to Eto’o? I said no because i don’t know anyone called Jerry from London. The (guy) oh, but this is Eto’o phone number? I said yes but Eto’o is also in London living noba 30th titi ohji ohle av street, you can reach him there in London. The (guy) oh, oh, Ohoo, London far. Abeg when he come back home, tell him i called from Lagos with international number okay. Hahaha, mugu maga.
A man sits next to a gal on a table in
the hotel
Man: hello madam?
Lady : what is it?
Man : sorry madam , just wanted to ask
what the time
is on your watch?
Lady: ehee …now you think my watch
is used as a
public clock huh? Go away and stop
wasting my time
Man : but madam
Lady :shut up!!!
* the man takes out his Apple phone
and makes call
Man :hello Naught Ashnaan
I just settled from Washington D.C can
you please tell
me what time it is right now so that I
set my clock to
the local time since it still reads
American time
*she
listens* ok thank you and today don’t
forget to come
for the galaxy tablet that you requested
* she listens*
since my girl is still in America bring
me a beautiful girl
to spend my money with tonight
Ok bye
Lady : sir the time is ..
Man : shut up
I started fearing smoking weed,when I saw my neighbour’s son dancing to the sound of my generator. ..When I switched it off he asked me who sang that song ? Because I was afraid he would beat me , I answered ” Yamaha featuring Petrol”
Imagine What Church Will Be Like In The Year 2030 if care is not taken…
Pastor: Praise The Lord
Congregation: Hallelujah
Pastor: Can We Pls Open our iPads to Exodus 20:1
When U r Done Kindly Switch On Ur Bluetooth To Receive The Sermon…
Pls Have Ur Debit Cards Ready As We Collect The Tithes And Offerings….
You Can Connect To Church WiFi Using Password: Lord3732
And As For The Renovations And Donations U r Welcome To Contribute Via Cellphone Banking
The Holy Atmosphere Will Be Electric As IPads Flicker
Meanwhile… ANNOUNCEMENTS
Church Secretary: Dis Week’s Meeting Will Be Held On Various WhatsApp Groups So Pls Don’t Miss Out …
Wednesday Bible Teaching Will Be Held Live On Skype @1900GMT…
By D Way You May Follow The Pastor On Twitter For Counselling And don’t Forget Our Weekly Prayers On YouTube… God Bless us….
If care is not taken, this is how next generation children will learn their ABC. A for Apple won’t be useful anymore…. Instead:
A is for ATM
B is for Bluetooth
C is for Chatting
D is for Download
E is for Email
F is for Facebook
G is for Google
H is for Hotmail
I is for instagram
J is for Java
K is for Konga
L is for Laptop
M is for MTN
N is for Network
O is for Opera Mini
P is for PicMix
Q is for QuickTime
R is for RAM
S is for Skype
T is for Twitter
U is for USB
V is for Vista
W is for WhatsApp
X is for Xender
Y is for Yahoo
Z is for Zuma
I’ve Never Seen An Ambulance At The Petrol Station
Do Those Vehicle’s Use Blood?
That moment when you are chilling with baeđ and her phoneđ± rings. Before answering the call, she stares at you while lowering the volume. My brother just know that your assistant is phoningđ.
Just ask her to do you a huge favour to put it on loud-speakerđ. Her reply will tell you more about the call.
Try it and you will thank me later
Dating a girl with big Lips is not the problem
–
The problem
is when she gives you a kiss and it sounds like
you are taking Screen Shot
Me: How ar u dear
Her: I’m okay
Me: Hope u r having a cool night
Her: Yes
Me: what’s ur best colour
Her: Stop asking questionsâ which makes no sense……..ask reasonable intellectual questions….OK
Me: How many moles of sulphuric acid is needed to neutralize 5ml of sodium carbonate and also to neutralize 5 volume of sulfatate
Her: My best colour is yellow…
And u??
`THIS IS A KILLER“`đ
This is how I stopped dating school girls:
She came to my place in a school uniform, looked into my eyes and said, “Sweetheart, I have missed my periods.” That’s when I fainted and woke up in a hospital. I overheard her telling the nurse that, “I didn’t know he cared so much about my school life, all I wanted to tell him was that, I had missed my periods for Maths and English, *(so that I could find time for him)*
but he fainted before I could finish.”
Stop using people’s iPhones to take pictures
Love your “ZTE and Mobicel
It was Sol’s birthday when his wife decided to take him to a night club out of town. When they arrive, the bouncer said: “Aaah Sol my man, long time no see. Welcome.”
Wife: (surprised) Babes, how do you know this guy?
Sol: That’s my gym partner.
As they got in, the bartender said “aw Sol madoda, welcome back. Same stuff?”
Wife: (in aghast) how does he know that you drink Amstel?
Sol: He served us at Thabo’s birthday.
As they were sitting down a stripper approaches them and say: aaah Sol, can we have some fun like old times?
His wife got irritated and draged Sol out and calls up a cab, as they get in the driver said “you got an ugly one this time my friend, same Hotel?”
Wife faints
*Here is the official letter that all men must send their female partner by the latest June 13, 2018*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sweetheart;
The FIFA World Cup begins on the 14th of June.
During this period I wonât have a lot of time for you. Itâs not that Iâm cheating or no longer wish to be with you, but I will have to make ever effort to watch every single match.
I will not be attending any social events such as, weddings, funerals, parties etc. during this period so plz *DO NOT ASK!!!.*
I know you see it as only 22 men chasing a ball but itâs absolutely important that you keep such thoughts to yourself and do not express them during this period….
Here are a few guidelines (I wonât call them rules although you know they are) to ensure a smooth and argument free month:
1. Plz donât say itâs just a game because itâs not!
2. Plz limit or avoid walking during matches
3. The remote control remains with me all the time
4. You support the team I support. Not the team that has guys you think are cute
5. Kindly place your phone on silent
6. *Never, ever walk in front of the TV while am watching a match!*
7. World Cup is played by countries only so plz donât ask me which team is Arsenal
8. Finally, highlights are considered as important as the match itself, so yes I must watch the highlights as well!!
Thanks in advance, I look forward to your cooperation and your utter silence.
Sincerely yours,
——————
signature & date
relationship breakups doesn’t hurt much like
when ur crush see you on a taxi stop
waiting for your mom with a wheelbarrow…
Me:its over.
Her: But you said only death could do us apart.
Me :We did not specify whose death will do us apart
anyway I just lost my granny, its over.
“Dad, I dont want to go to school today.” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week
and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.” “But why dont you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”