I have a dig bick. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

u read that wrong!
That awkward when u realise u read that wrong, u also said “moment” after ‘awkward’!

Wierd YOU!

BEST WAY TO PROPOSE! u tek the gal to the sea. U make her get into a boat. U take the boat to the midle of the ocean. U kindly say, “Marry me or leave my boat”

Italian Relationship:
1st day= Sex
2nd day= Sex again.

French Relationship:
1st day = movies & kiss
2nd day = Sex
3rd day = Sex again

British Relationship:
1 day= hangout & kiss
2nd day = kiss & hug
3rd day= kissing, hug and smooching
4th day = sex and more sex

American Relationship:
1st day= Date
2nd day= Hug
3rd day= Hug again (warmly)
4th day= Kiss
5th day= Long kiss
6th day= Sex

African Relationship:
1st day= Toast
2nd day= Toast
3rd day= Toast again
4th day= Agree
5th day= Date
6th day= Date again
7th day= Date again with three of her hungry friends or cousins.
8th day= Date & Hug
9th day= Tried to peck but failed.
10th day = Peck
11th day= Tried to kiss but failed.
12th day= kiss
13th day= Long kiss
14th day= Tried to have sex but failed.
15th day= Tried to have sex but quarrelled
16th day= Didn’t talk to each other
17th day= Malice till the next day
18th day= The man called but the woman didn’t pick
19th day= The man called, the woman picked and asked: “what is it?”
The man apologize and the woman replied: “Leave me alone, am not that type of girl”
The man continued to beg till the next day.
20th day= The woman accepted the unwarranted apology
21st day= Hug
22nd day= Long hug
23rd day= Kiss
24th day= Long kiss
25th day= Tried to have sex but the woman complains that her phone is bad. Guy promises to buy her a new one.
26th day= Tried to have sex but the woman said until he buys the phone
27th day= Tried to have sex but the woman asked: “where is the phone? U are not serious, call me when you are serious”
28th day= Rape.
29th day= Police case.

If women would just keep quiet, there won’t be any problem in any family.
.
A *wife* & husband visited a farm, they saw a bull having sex with a cow. The *wife* asked the farm manager:
“How many times does a bull have sex per day?”
Manager replied: “6 times or more a day”.
*Wife: looks at her husband and says…..” you see!”
Then the husband asked the manager: “You mean 6 times a day with the same cow?”
Manager said ” No, No, with different cows everyday.”
Husband looks to his *wife* and says ….
“you see!!!!”
And the fight started !!
Who caused the fight???
�…
PLEASE DON’T ANSWER 🙈 it’s gonna cause another fight

I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING ….

Stolen:

I sent R1000 to a wrong number using ewallet

After realizing this, Icalmed down and sent him/her this text message:

“Hello Dear, I hope you got the membership welcome fee of R1000 to our Satanism Church. We are glad and looking forward to having you with us.

That is just the beginning of the richest life you are about to start living. We hope you are as excited to be joining our church as we are. As I just said, that is a
welcome salary.

We are having a meeting tonight whereby we will slaughter 3 people in celebration of the start of this month. Please invite over any female person you may be close to. Lets meet tonight at 8pm at YOUR PLACE.

If you haven’t shown any interest in our church and you believe this is a mistake, kindly send the money back to this number otherwise welcome to our Church. See you tonight.”

10 Minutes later, I got a message saying send another R1000 my friend is also interested’.

I fainted, people are so broke these days.

In a street accident, a woman tried to help the victims but suddenly a nurse came and said…

“Miss, excuse me! I am a nurse and i can do it better. Step back.. I’ve had a course in first aid and I’m trained in giving first aid and CPR”.

The woman stepped aside and watched the procedure and said, “If you need a doctor, I’m just behind you.”

The nurse turned and looked at the woman in dismay.

Humility counts! Stay humble. If you will go far in 2018, you will need to drop your pride and treat people right.

Pride only drives people away because it stinks.

*STRICTLY FOR MEN ONLY*

1. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~By Lee Majors

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
~By Al Gore

3. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
~By Socrates

4. Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
~By Mike Tyson

5. The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
~By George Clooney

6. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~By Bill Clinton

7. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.”
~By George W. Bush

8. “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
~By Rudy Giuliani

9. “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
~By Michael Jordan

10. “I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
~By Donald Trump

11. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
~By Shaquille O’Neal

12. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
~By Kobe Bryant

13. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~By David Hasselhoff

14. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~By Alec Baldwin

15. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
~By Barack Obama

16. Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~By Tommy Lee

17. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
~By Brad Pitt

18. First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy : “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
~ By Jimmy Kimmel

19. “Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
~By David Letterman

20. “First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring…soon after….comes SuffeRing!
~By Jay Leno

21. “The reason why wives live longer is because they don’t have a Wife”
~By Brandon Breezy

Forward this to all the guys to give them a good laugh …….and to the ladies with good sense of humour who can handle it!!!!!!!

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man : 😍 Awwww. . .. Are you single ?
Woman : No, I am a Dentist….

Dear Skinny Girls . Stop taking Naked pictures and call them Nud3s . Call them “Noodles”

Some Girls are like bag of Weed,
you love her but you can’t introduce her to your parents

I thought I have seen everything in life until I saw a 16yrs old boy went to a bar and
drank 4 bottles of Guinness. He got up to leave and the barman asked him to pay.
He brought out his birth certificate and
replied; Not for sale to persons below 18yrs

The best TIME on EARTH is the TIME that you SPEND with someone’s WIFE.

Of course your mother, who is your father’s WIFE.

What were you thinking, may GOD deliver you.

A married man left work early one Friday,
but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the
boys. When he finally returned home
on Sunday night, his wife really got on his
… case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and
screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.
“How would you like it if you
didn’t see me for a couple of days?”…..
The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and
said, “That would suit me just fine!!”
Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little
out of the corner of his left eye.

Wives are two types

The first type listens to her husband, understands his thoughts, always behaves lovingly, and even if the husband is angry, keeps smiling😃

The second type

Is the one that everyone has

My mother used to communicate with eyes while I was growing up…
When visitors are in the house and I am jumping up and down, there is an eye sign which means ​”get out”​

When visitors are eating and you want to eat with them, there is this particular look which means ​”if you collect anything here I will skin you alive”​ but meanwhile she will be telling the visitors “don’t mind her, she won’t eat or she has eaten..”

When you pay a visit to any family member and you want to cry over what is not yours, there is this look which means ​”if I hear pim from you again, I will flog you dead”​.

But today’s mother… I mean our young mummies today ehhh…
Their eyes are already weakened with mascara, eye lashes and heavy-duty facelifts and make-ups from Mary Kay to Jenifer Lopez to Angelina Jolie. In short, the eyes can’t communicate again… when they are looking at a child, the child will be looking back at them because that child is seeing them as either a magician or masquerade or even doll baby, which they are used to.

Share with folks on your contacts list. Don’t laugh alone.