When your Bae parties every weekend & you just sit there and wonder
if you’re dating a person or Sound equipment

Keeping a low profile is the best,
that’s why up until now nobody knows that
Rihanna nd Beyonce are my ex’s….
Haters will say I’m lying

I smoked weed this morning , I have not yet seen any after effects,
but I fell from a 3 storey building,
i don’t remember if i died or survived.

78 beers minus your age now
Plus 40 cigarettes
Equal to the year that you were born
.
Try it

Once dated a taller girl..sweet until we
were arguing one day & she held my ps4
controller high in the air & i couldn’t
reach..we broke up

I wish the people who dislike you heal
from what ever satanic spirit that has
taken over their souls

A Guy is chilling with his girlfriend in his
Golf 7
Guy : Dear there’s something i need to tell
u , I
haven’t been totally honest with u!
Girl : What is it babes?
Boy : I’m married with 4 kids .
Girl : Yhooo babes !! U scared me. I
thought u
gonna say the Golf 7 is not yours !!!!
Girls of dis days

Why boys walk fast and girl speak more?
Because boys have one extra leg and girls
have one extra mouth.

The only three people a woman
attentively listens to and obeys sincerely
and does exactly as they say is a DOCTOR,
the PASTOR and PHOTOGRAPHER, otherwise
if you’re neither of the three, sit down and
be strong…*

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”