A baby is never a mistake, you had sex
without condom, what were you
expecting? iPhone 9?

Him: baby can I see you today?
Her: John Cena
Him: what?
Her: you can’t see me.

Sonia Gandhi met the Queen of England in her palace

Sonia: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Sonia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?”

The Queen: “Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “David Cameron, would you come in here, please?”

David Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, ma’am?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me, ma’am.”

“Very good! Thank you, David !” said the Queen.

Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said “See?”

Now its Sonia’s turn to apply the same logic….

Sonia went back to India and asked Rahul..
“Rahul , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Rahul Gandhi . “Let me get back to you on that one…”

Rahul Gandhi went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer…

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, “Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”..

Narendra Modi answered, “That’s easy, it’s me!”..

Rahul Gandhi said, “Thanks!”

Then he went back to Sonia. “I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Narendra Modi…”

Sonia slapped him….
and shouted..
“No ! You dumb idiot! It’s David Cameron!!!

Your importance in a black family is when
you bring in money. Expect the worst
when you’re unemployed.

We live in a society where females think it’s okay to state their preferences, “tall guy with a beard, big ass package, light in complexion with killer abs. ”
But when I say I don’t like fat women, I’m insensitive & I’m body shaming. Fruitcake generation. The levels are staggering.

She tag us and be like
I’m sleeping with Mbula and 32 others….
Like really..???
The truth will set you free….

Guys wigs are meant to confirm beauty,
but some girls wear them to confirm gender.

I wonder what old people are doing on Facebook.
When they are here, then who is getting the
heart attacks and strokes?
People should know their place.

Barbara has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God. “Will I die?” she asked. “Not yet,” God replied, “You will live for another thirty five years,three months, and seven days.” At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life. She gets a face lift,Botox, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the colour of her hair. After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a truck and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she’s steaming.

“What was that!?”Barbara asked. “What?” God responded, “You died.”

“You said I would live another thirty five years!”

“Oh.” God thought for a while. “I didn’t recognise you.

CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAD MAN AND A NORMAL MAN*

*Normal Man:* Why is that you people (mad people) always laugh when there’s nothing to laugh about?

*Mad man:* Its because you people don’t see what we see.

*Normal Man:* What do you people see?

*Mad man:* Have u ever seen an ant breastfeeding it babies? Or dogs having a marriage ceremony?

*Normal Man:* (Burst out with laughter..) Hahahaha!!! (and accidentally puffed)

*Mad man:* See how you are laughing and puffing now without even seeing anything.. what more will you do if you see those things? Obvious!! You will need pampers!

Husband was sipping his whisky, while sitting in the balcony with wife and he says,

“I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”

👩🏼 Wife asks, “Is that you, or the whisky talking?”

👴🏼 Husband replies, “It’s me….. talking to the whisky.”

A moment of silence for people who were born on 29th February in this group….coz this year has nothing like 29th Feb….So how will you wish them ??
HAPPY DELETED BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE or what??

No matter how clever you think you are,
but when a 3 year old kid gives you a toy phone,
you will talk to it .

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he kicked open a bottle, and, guess what? Our dear, friendly neighbourhood genie pops out! So, as you know, he had to give her a wish;
“I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”

The genie granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love — which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Genie, I don’t know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The genie replied, “My dear, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You’ll have to wait 9 months, though.

You got pregnant last night!”

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked,
“Hey, do you need help?”

The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”

CONFUSION is when Ur parents tell u that Sex before marriage is a sin but u appear in their wedding pictures..