My Ex was tryin to embarrass me in front of her frnds by sayin
am not good in bed…🍑🍆
She was shocked when they all disagreed

My brother if you want to confuse all your girlfriends,just Photogrid all of them and write ”My sisters and the love of my life”.They will all reply with ,”Babe that’s sweet”.
Now I have a feeling wisdom is about to murder me.

Medical Fact:

“Did you know that if you bath at least twice daily, avoid alcohol, avoid smoking tobacco and go to gym regularly for fitness, have sufficient sleep, eat fruits after each meal, avoid stress, stop using all sorts of drugs including caffeine found in tea and coffee and practice safe sex regularly, you’ll still die?

Rosy was one of those UGLY women, so ugly that it hurt; she had never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help. Honey! said the psychic. You will not have
luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a
much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
rosy left very happy and so excited, as she went
over a bridge she thought “the sooner I die, the sooner my next happy life begins”
So she decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But, incredibly rosy didn’t die after she jumped! She fell on the back of a truck full of
bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not
being able to see very well and not knowing where she was, she started touching and feeling
her surroundings, feeling all the bananas! she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said “GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE!! ONE AT A TIME!

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

“Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder, and asks,

“Honey, please…just one more time before I die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

“Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen, I have to get up in the morning. YOU DON’T!”

“Death came to Mbula and said,”My friend today is your Day!
Mbula:”But I’m not ready!”
Then death said:”well your name is the next on the list”.
Mbula:”Okay,why don’t you take a seat and i will get you something to eat before we go?”
Death said:”All Right.
Mbula gave death some food with sleeping pills in it,death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.
Mbula took the list and removed his name from top of the list and put it into bottom of the list.
When death woke up he said to Mbula,”Mbula because you have been very nice to me,so i will start from the bottom of the List…!!

ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION!!! Ladies and gentlemen Boys and Girls Brothers and sisters Fathers and Mothers Uncles and aunties Nephews and nieces Doctors and nurses Neighbours and Colleagues Students and graduates. I really don’t have anything to say. Thanks for your attention.

There is a blonde driving on the highway. Her husband
calls her on his cell phone and in a worried voice says;
Honey, be careful please! I just heard on the radio that there
is a crazy driver, driving the wrong way on Route 90
Woman says; I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!

Q : how do you know that winter has approached?

A : when a slender girl post ” let me focus on my studies “

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

When your Bae parties every weekend & you just sit there and wonder
if you’re dating a person or Sound equipment

Keeping a low profile is the best,
that’s why up until now nobody knows that
Rihanna nd Beyonce are my ex’s….
Haters will say I’m lying

I smoked weed this morning , I have not yet seen any after effects,
but I fell from a 3 storey building,
i don’t remember if i died or survived.

78 beers minus your age now
Plus 40 cigarettes
Equal to the year that you were born
.
Try it

Once dated a taller girl..sweet until we
were arguing one day & she held my ps4
controller high in the air & i couldn’t
reach..we broke up

I wish the people who dislike you heal
from what ever satanic spirit that has
taken over their souls