A man came home from work and caught his wife having sex with the security guard on a Sofa. His wife was so beautiful and the Security Guard was too trustworthy. Getting no other option, The husband sold the Sofa to avoid such circumstances again.

A beer company was hiring a taster, someone to taste the beers
before selling out. So they placed adverts and one afternoon, a dirty, rough looking man walked into the manager’s office asking to be employed.

The manager tried to figure out how he could drive this man away but couldn’t come up with an idea, so he decided to give the man a trial. He ordered his secretary to give the man a glass of wine. He took a sip and said, “It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”
“That’s correct!” The manager exclaimed, “Well give him another one let’s see.” So he was given. He took a sip again and said, “It’s burukutu, a combination of herbs and apeteshi distilled at Akokoaso near New Abirem in Eastern Region of Ghana 3 years ago” “Incredible!” said the manager.

Now the manager went closer to the secretary and whispered to her saying, “Go get some of your urine in a cup let’s see if he will get that.” So the man was given the cup of urine. He took a sip, turned to the manager and said, “Female urine, 26 years old, 2 weeks pregnant and if I’m not given this job, sir, I will tell your wife who is responsible for the pregnancy!” both the man and the secretary fainted..😁😳✌

Don’t laugh alone put a smile on someone’s face by sending it.

Treat your girlfriend like a tooth brush….*
*Dont let anyone touch or use* *it*, *only you and you alone….*
*Keep it clean and safe…..*
*And please,*

*Remember to change it after every 3 months.*

*Its healthy. Thank you.*

Jack was lying on the doctors examination table today when she asked “How is your libido?” “My what?” I replied “Libido” she said “Do you feel like having sex?” “OK,” I replied “But we’ll need to be quick my wife is in waiting room “

Jack went for his hair-cut and shave in a salon, there he saw a beautiful lady sitting patiently in the shop. Suddenly Jack turned to the lady and said ‘woman, you’re so beautiful, can we meet later today? The woman replied; I’m married. Jack so, you can just tell your husband you’re going to visit a friend,… Women : tell him yourself, he’s the one shaving your face with the cut throat razor

Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 dollars on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.” He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”
Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”
Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can not afford anything to eat.” So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.” The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.” The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there .the grass is over a foot tall”

Guys with a gap teeth be like when saying sorry to their bae’s

“Bbe i’m Thory”

When Nelson Mandela was studying law at the University, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room when Mandela came along with his tray & sat next to the professor.

The professor said,
“Mr Mandela, you do not understand, a pig & a bird do not sit together to eat”

Mandela looked at him as a parent would a rude child & calmly replied,
*”You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,”*
& he went & sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge.

The next day in class he posed the following question:
“Mr. Mandela, if you were walking down the street & found a package, & within was a bag of wisdom & another bag with money, which one would you take ?”

Without hesitating, Mandela responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said,
“I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.”

Nelson Mandela shrugged & responded, *”Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”*

Mr. Peters, by this time was about to throw a fit, seething with fury. So great was his anger that he wrote on Nelson Mandela’s exam sheet the word *”IDIOT”*
& gave it to the future struggle icon.

Mandela took the exam sheet & sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Nelson Mandela got up, walked up to the professor & told him in a dignified polite tone,

“Mr. Peters, *you signed your name on the sheet*, but you forgot to give me my grade.”

Don’t mess with intelligent people.

A little boy asks his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs? The father answers: Paradise, my son. The kid asks again: What’s between your legs? The father replies: The key to the paradise. The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a spare key.

A farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer. “No, they went to town.” “How about your brother, Jack? Is he here?” “No, he went with Mum and Dad.” The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. “ I can give dad a message.” said the boy. “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Jack, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”. The boy thought for a moment“ You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Jack.”

An older retired guy and a young kid entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the young guy stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the young man said to the older one, “Man I’m the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.” The elder man replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.” So they went to the counter and the older man said to the shopkeeper,”Do you want to see magic?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Yes.”
The senior said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
Then the senior asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”
The older guy replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three bars of chocolate.”

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings,
“I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:

1) The “Rooster” – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook “Good Morning” every day !! 😛

2) The “Lurker” – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.

3) The “Hyena” – Doesn’t ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.

4) “Mr/Ms Popular” – Has 4,367 friends for NO reason

5) The “Gamer” – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)

6) The “Cynic” – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

7) The “Collector” – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

8) The “Promoter” – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.

9) The “Liker” – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the “like” button

10) “Drama Queen/ King” – This person always posts stuff like “I
can’t believe this!”, or “They gonna make me snap today!”, in
the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what’s wrong but
then they never finish telling the story.

11) The “News” – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly

12) The “Thief” – Steals status updates… and will probably steal
this one :

“Your driving is bloody terrible,” My husband said to me…”Oh come on!” I said “Its not that bad”. But he just shook his head, took a deep breath, got out of the car…And swam to the surface.