They say that the new super computer knows everything. A sceptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?” The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with, “Your father is fishing in Michigan.” The sceptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.” “No” replied the super computer immediately, “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout!”

A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: Thats nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.

Son: Dad, what does gay means?
Father: It means to be happy.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis.
He sees several doctors. They all say: “You’ve been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We’ll have to cut it off.”
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand.
The doctor examines him and says, “You’ve been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, “I bet they told you it had to be cut off.”
The man answers, “Yes!”
The doctor smiles, nods, “That is not correct. It will fall off by itself.”

Women are like telephones. They love to be held.
They love to be talked to.
But, if you press the wrong button, youre disconnected

Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a
mixture of STUDY and DYING?

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones’ mother-in-law’s turn.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”

“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

“What do you wish for yourself?”

“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”

“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”

“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”

“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. ”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is. ”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear. “

During a job interview:
Manager: What’s the highest level of
education you obtained?
Eric: PHD
Manager: Great! So that means you have a
Doctor’s degree …
Eric: Well, No..That means i
Passed Highschool with Difficulties (P.H.D.)

Me And My boss
Him: Do you think you can come to work
on Saturday this week? I really need you
here.
Me: Yeah no problem, but I’ll probably be
late though as the public transport is bad
on weekends.
Him: Ok, when do you think you will arrive
here then?
Me: Monday.

Why I will never teach pre-school kids AGAIN
……
.
At the creche where I work, there is a little
girl named Vicky. She is so cute and
sweet.Yesterday, just before knocking off, I
found her busy, trying to put on her shoes.I
approached her, and offered to help her. It
was
such a torrid time. The boots seamed to be
smaller than her size. It took me 5 minutes
to help her wear them. When we were done,
after making a steps away from her, she
called me said
“Teacher, you made me wear banana”.
When I looked at her shoes, to my
embarrassment, I realised I had misplaced
her shoes – the banana style. Upon trying to
take off the shoes again, it took me 3
minutes. After struggling so much I
eventually managed to remove them and
tried putting them on again, this time the
correct way. However, it was more difficult
than the first time.
When I finished, she said: “Teacher, these
shoes
are not mine!”
I really got angry, but since I work with little
kids,
I had to be patient and control my anger. I
struggled to remove the shoes. I then asked
Vicky where her own shoes were and this is
what she said:
“These shoes belong to my sister, my mum
is the
one who made me wear them in the
morning today”.
This time I boiled in anger. But since I
always do
my job perfectly and whole heartedly, I
helped her to put on the shoes again. When
we were done, Vicky pulled another
shocker, yet again.
“What about the socks, teacher?” she asked.
I wondered whether I should laugh or cry.
Politely and swiftly I asked her, “Where are
the socks Vicky?”
She innocently replied: “I shoved them in my
shoes, they are in front of my toes”
I simply resigned!

If your partner need space buy him/her a 64GB Memory card
so that He/she can have a lot of space and your relationship keep going

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: “we have arrived”. The first man gave him money. The second one thanked the taxi driver. The third one slapped him (the taxi driver). The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didnt move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: “what was that for?”. The drunken man replied: “control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!”

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets. In her stomach the babies were talking to each other. The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”. The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”. And the last baby says “I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here im going to cut it off.

Knock Knock…Who’s there ?…Norma Lee!…Norma Lee who ?…
Norma Lee don’t go round knocking on doors !

I’ve just received sad news that my ex was hit by a truck…
Let me hope that nothing happened to the truck