Judge: Iha, totoo bang ni-rape ka ng limang lalaki ?
Biktima: Opo judge.
Judge: Ano ginawa mo ? Sumigaw ka ba ?
Biktima: Opo judge.
Judge: Ano sinigaw mo ?
Biktima: NEXT ! NEXT ! NEXT ! NEXT !
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Amo: Inday, bakit ka malungkot ?
Inday: Kasi mam, sabi ng doctor ooperahan na daw bukas ang butlig ko.
Amo: Inday talaga. Butlig lang namam pala eh. Kaya mo yan.
Inday: Hindi ko yan kaya mam. Ok lang kung liplig lang o raytlig. Eh butlig daw kasi eh.
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Gabi na ng makauwi si Boknoy sa bahay nila ni Maria. Pagpasok niya nagtaka siya kung bakit ang tahimik,patay ang ilaw sa sala at patay din ang ilaw sa kusina. Kaya dumeretso si Boknoy sa kwarto. Nadatnan niya si Maria na nakahiga sa kama at hubo’t hubad.
Boknoy: Babe ? Bakit wala kang damit ?
Maria: Wala na kasi akong masuot babe.
Boknoy: Anong wala ! Marami akong binili na damit para sayo ah.
-Tinungo ni Boknoy ang malaking kabinet nila.
Boknoy: Oh, ito yung blue dress, ito yung red blouse, ito yung green duster, ito yung violet shirt, ito si kumpare, ito yung floral dress, ito yung.. teka !
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boy1:badtrip pre
boy2:bakit pre,ano problema?
boy1:lahat nalang ng naging gf ko iisa ang mukha
boy2:bakit naman pre?
boy1:pare-parehas silang MUKHANG PERA
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Towel yako Woolworths the way eturang ka gona okare re phumula dibe tsa rena
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ano yan?
sigurado ka tama yan?
ayusin mo pagsulat!
eksina nung dalawang nag kokopyahan
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Boy: bago ako mamatay, may gusto akong aminin. Girl: shhh… Wala ka nang dapat ipag alala pa. Okay na ang lahat.
Boy: hindi. Gusto kong maging mapayapa. Nagkaroon ako ng tatlong kabit. Yung kaibigan mo, ate mo at pinsan mo.
Girl: alam ko gago kaya nga nilason kita. Sige pikit na!!
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Huwag mong isusulat ang name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay.Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nag-kakaroon ng raffle kung sinong susunod
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Kapag ang TENGA mo KUMATI,
ibig sabihin may taong gustong gusto kang makita,
Kapag ang ILONG mo KUMATI,
ibig sabihin may HUMALIK SA PICTURE mo,
Kapag ang LABI mo KUMATI,
ibig sabihin may taong PATAY NA PATAY sayo,
Kapag ang BUONG KATAWAN mo KUMATI,
ibig sabihin LIGO LIGO din, Masyado nang makapal ang LIBAG MO
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Kenny is an engineer that can’t find a job so he opens a
clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT
FOR R50 – IF NOT CURED YOU GET BACK R200 A
lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn
R150 and goes to the clinic… Lawyer: “I have
lost my sense of taste”
Kenny : “Nurse, bring
medicine from box no.22 and put 3 drops in
patient’s mouth” Lawyer: “Urgh..this is paraffin”
Kenny : “Congrats, your sense of taste is
restored. Give me R50” The annoyed lawyer goes
back after a few days to recover his money…
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot
remember anything”
Kenny : “Nurse, bring
medicine from box no.22 and put 3 drops in his
mouth” Lawyer (annoyed): “This is paraffin. You
gave this to me last time for restoring my taste”
Kenny : “Congrats. You got your memory
back. Give me R50” The fuming lawyer pays him,
and then comes back a week later determined to
get back R200.
Lawyer: “My eye sight has become
very weak”
Kenny: “Well, I don’t have any
medicine for that, so take this R200” Lawyer
(staring at the note): “But this is R50, not R200”
Kenny : “Congrats, your eyesight is restored.
Give me R50”
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Apparently there are disagreements of Zuma’s retirement package. They offered him $800,000 but he refused saying that he wants something with a million in it.
So they said how about half a million? He agreed!!
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Most guys will intentionally not put chairs in their rooms so that when a girl visits,she will have no other choice but to sit on the bed.These guys are called *Ministers of Strategic planning and Bedmatic affairs*
I just got fired for being their president
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*Good morning*
Moses did not contest for position of prime minister In Egypt. Mary didn’t even pray to be the mother of Jesus and Peter didn’t invite Jesus into his boat. But divine favour, mercy and grace of God located and found them all.
May divine favour meet you today in any aspect of your life, in Jesus name.
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Uthengele umuntu iCup ngeValentine, then two weeks later uyithole isiphakathi kwesaka leRice.
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DID YOU KNOW THE VIRUSES THAT KILL MARRIAGES?
· Laziness kills marriage
· Suspicion kills marriage
· Lack of trust kills marriage
· Lack of mutual respect kills marriage
· Unforgiveness kills marriage (Forgiveness is not optional but mandatory)
· Arguments kill marriage
· Keeping secrets from your spouse kills marriage
· Every form of infidelity kills marriage (financial, emotional, psychological, material, etc)
· Poor communication kills marriage
. Lies easily kill marriage, (be sincere to your spouse in every aspect).
· Relating more with your parents than your spouse kills marriage
· Nagging kills marriage
· Too much talk and careless talk kills marriage
· Spending less or little time with your spouse kills marriage
· Being too independent minded kills marriage
· Love for party, money and spending/partying kills marriage
· Exposing the inadequacies of your spouse to your parents or siblings or friends kills marriage
· Not being steadfast/fervent in the spirit kills not only marriage but your life
· Spurning correction and reprimand kills marriage.
· Always wearing a sad face and being moody kills marriage.
· FEMINISM ADVOCACY kills marriage.
· Uncontrolled or hot temperament kills marriage.
· Not understanding your role and position in marriage as instituted by God kills marriage.
· Not being sensitive to the spiritual, emotional and physical needs of your spouse kills marriage
· When anything threatens the position/security of a wife, her reaction(s) will be detrimental to her marriage.
· Lack of knowledge of the Word of God kills marriage.
Please, save a marriage today by sharing this.
May God bring healing to every troubled home and family.
Amen.
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WENDLALA INDUMISO PHEZU KWAMEVA
Wendlala indumiso phezu kwameva,akawasusi ameva bese endlala indumiso kodwa Wendlala indumiso phezu kwawo ameva.
Buka la unkulunkulu uthi la wendlala indumiso phezu kwaMeva(inkinga) kodwa akawasusi Aameva (ayinkinga) kodwa wendlala phezu kwawo.
Ngfuna ukukhuluma nawe namhlanje ngithi unkulunkulu angeke aysusa inkinga empilweni yakho iyohlezi ikhona kodwa iyodwa into ayenzayo ufike endlale indumiso phezu kwayo ukuze wena ukwazi noma ukhone ukuhamba phezu kwayo.ngfuna ukuxoxa nawe bhuti,sisi,mama,baba okhalayo othi mina izinkinga zingimele ngenhla izinto zami azingilungeli kwirelationship,angiwutholi umsebenzi,ngixabana njalo nomndeni wami,bayangithuka omakhelwane,ngizondwa nangabangani bami,lalela ungalwi nenkinga kodwa zama ukubiza unkulunkulu ukuthi endlale indumiso ukwazi ukubhekana naleyonkinga.
Ujesu waphelelwa amandla nanethemba mhla eshawa,ebulawa esiphambanweni bt unkulunkulu akaze ababulale lababantu ababeyinkinga kuJesu wavele wabayeka benza konke abakuthandayo bt wathumela ingelosi ukuthi imnike amandla ngaphandle kokulwa nabo
UDavide akaze azame ukulwisa uSAWULI mhla ephenduka isitha kuye wambika kunkulunkulu wabe esezibulala yena usawuli.
Ngsaphinda unkulunkulu akayisusi inkinga empilweni yakho kodwa undlala indumiso phezu kwayo,musa ukuba lwisa mabekuthuka,musa ukuba thuka mabekuzonda,musa ukubazonda mabekusongela,musa ukuba songela mabengakuniki umsebenzi tshela unkulunkulu ukuthi akangenelele ezintweni nasezitheni zakho ukuze ukwazi ukubhekana nazo hhayi ukuthi ulwe nazo
Unwabu maludlula enyokeni eluhlaza nalo luba luhlaza khona inyoka ingeke ibone ukuuthi nakhu ukudla kwami mangidle kodwa ibona yonke into ifana nayo luze ludlule unwabu enyokeni.
Lalela vumela inkinga yenzeke ungalwi nayo,bt fana nayo zivumele izinto zenzeke empilweni yakho ukuze uzondlula kuzo ungalwi nazo biza unkulunkulu uzofika akunike amandla amasha.izinkinga ngeke uziqede lapha emhlabeni futhi ngeke ulwe nazo ngoba uzosuke ukhohlwe ukuthi ufunanani empilwen Ngathi kuwe mina impilo ayisiyo inkinga kodwa inkinga iyimpilo kuwe which means whatever ohlangana nayo eyinkinga iyimpilo izokukhulisa.
Buka ISIHLAHLA SIDINGA INKINGA UKUZE SIKHULE SIYEPHEZULU,SIYIDINGA KANJANI INKINGA ISIHLAHLA,
ISIHLAHLA ISISHWA ZIMVULA EZIYIZIKHUKHULA KODWA BESE SITHI WENA NGZOKUTHATHA NJENGAMANZI AZONGINISELA NGYEPHEZULU NGIBE LUHLAZA,KUFIKE NGISHO ILANGA LISISHAYE LISHISE BT SITHI ISIHLAHLA WENA LANGA UNGINIKEZA AMANDLA OKUTHI NGIKWAZI UKUKHULU NGYEPHAMBILI
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