ET just arrived home, and his mother said!

“Where on Earth have you been?

Whatever you do, always give 100%.
Unless you’re donating blood

“Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?” Pastor replied, “No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.The man answered” “Pastor, but do you think they will accept a donation of $250,000 in return for the burial service?” Pastor exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn’t u tell me that dog was a Christian.”

MY DIETING TIPs.
1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight.
2. Cut them out of your life.
3. Enjoy having lost hundreds of pounds of idiots.

Jack goes to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. The desk sergeant says “You’ll get your chance in court”.Man says “No, No, No, I just want to know how he got into the house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years !”

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

niggas will laugh at you just
cause you don’t know Joburg but they
don’t know who their father is

Whites: Yes
Blacks: Mm
Whites: No
Blacks: Mm mm
Whites: I beg your pardon
Blacks: mmmh?
Whites: Oh I get it now!
Blacks: mmmhmmm!

Attention guys please avoid eating Russians Polony
and Mixed Portion Rainbow Things
They said they have virus that can kill you within 2days

Truly speaking not a joke

You can Google

I swear some people say ” YELLOW ”
When they answer their Cell Phones

The Problem with living alone is that,
Its always your turn to cook and wash dishes

Behind Every Successful Hangover
There’s A Promise Of Never Drinking Again

Father:Have you taken your maths test, son?
Son:Taken already.
Father:Did you get them all right?
Son:Only five wrong
Father:Not bad! By the way, how many sums altogether?
Son:Five.

No matter how far u urinate,
the last drop will always fall on your feet

WHAT WILL U DO IF YOUR EX CALLS U IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT & SAYS HONEY I’VE
BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT?I NEARLY DIED BT I
THOUGHT OF U FIRST!
WHAT WILL BE YOUR RESPONSE 2YOUR EX?