Tatay: Hoy, Boknoy ! Buntis ang anak ko, panagutan mo ito !
Boknoy: May asawa na po ako sir !
Tatay: Eh pano to ? Ha ?
Boknoy: Areglo na lang po. 2M pag boy, 2.5M pag girl
Tatay: Sige, pero pano pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?
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Sa Carenderia
Boknoy: Miss, magkano kanin ?
Tindera: Sampu isang takal.
Boknoy: Eh, yung tutong ?
Tindera: Libre pag tutong.
Boknoy: Ulam po magkano ?
Tindera: 40 isang order.
Boknoy: Yung sabaw po ?
Tindera: Libre ang sabaw.
Boknoy: Sige po. Bigyan mo ko ng isang tutong at isang sabaw.
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Boknoy caught boknoy sleeping in the middle of his class.
Teacher: Boknoy! (shout)
Boknoy: (awakened) ah yes, ma’am?
Teacher: why are you sleeping?
Boknoy: Ah, eh. Because Ma’am.
Teacher: because what?
Boknoy: your voice is very delicious, ma’am. You are like an angel to go down to heaven to sing us. That’s why I fell asleep.
Teacher: so why others don’t sleep?
Boknoy: because they are not listening to you, ma’am.
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A man gets home early from work and hears strange
noise coming from the bedroom, he rushes upstairs only
to find his wife naked on the bed sweating and panting.
“What’s up” he asked” I am having a heart attack” the
woman cries. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for
an ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4yr old son
comes up and says;”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding
in your closet and he’s got no clothes on. The man slams
the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door, sure enough, there is his brother totally naked on
the closet floor. “You idiot!” the man says, “my wife is
having a heart attack and you are running around naked
scaring the kids. Come on dress up we need to take her
to the hospital”. Describe the husband in one word
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This touched me.*
*There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.*
*She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.*
*She told her boyfriend, ‘If I could only see the world, I will marry you.’*
*One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.*
*He asked her,’ Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?’*
*The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn’t expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.*
*Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: ‘Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.’*
*This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.*
*Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.*
*Life Is a Gift*
*Today before you say an unkind word -*
*Think of someone who can’t speak.*
*Before you complain about the taste of your food – Think of someone who has nothing to eat.*
*Before you complain about your husband or wife – Think of someone who’s crying out to ALMIGHTY GOD for a companion.*
*Today before you complain about life -*
*Think of someone who died too young.*
*Before you complain about your children -*
*Think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.*
*Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn’t clean or sweep -*
*Think of the people who are living in the streets.*
*Before whining about the distance you drive*
*Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.*
*And when you are tired and complain about your job -*
*Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.*
*But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -*
*Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER.*
*And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -*
*Put a smile on your face and thank GOD you’re alive and still around.*
*And before you think of closing your Whatsapp messenger, Please think of sending this to as many people as you like…It might change someone’s thinking towards Life.*
*Remain blessed.*
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A couple both aged 37 went 2 a sex therapist’s office. The DR asked, what cn I do 4 u? The man said “will u watch us hv sex? The Dr looked puzzled but agreed. Wen de couple finished having intercourse the Dr said”there’s nothing wrong with de way u hv intercourse and charged them R250. This happened several weeks in a row, the couple cud make an appointment and hv intercourse with no problems,pay the Dr and leave. FINALLY the Dr asked”Just exactly what r u trying 2 find out?”. The man said”we r nt trying 2 find out anything. She’s is married and we cnt go 2 her house.I’m married so we can’t go 2 my house. At the guest house they charge R650, the hotel charges R800. We do it here for R250 and I claim it back frm Medical Aid!
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Grandchild:”Gogo how old are u “?
Gogo:”I don’t know I’m too old “.
Grandchild:”Why can’t you look your underwear ,mine written 4-5 yrs.
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Nakhu uSipho uyaxoshwa emsebenzini bese ecabanga ukuvula ikhemesi nangempela ayivule aqashe abantu abawu2 ukuthi bamsize bese ebeka imithetho ukuthi “Mawulaphekile ukhokha uR1000 uma ungalaphekanga sikubuyisela uR5000 back” akubeke ngaphandle lokho njebhodi …. kuqhamuke iphoyisa lifunde langaphandle libone ukuthi iningi lemali angene ngaphakathi
PHOYISA: dokotela nginekinga yokungayizwa I taste yokudla engikudlayo
DR: basebenzi ngicela ibhodlela number 22 lapho .. phuza lana
PHOYISA : aphuze ( arghhh ) ungiphuzisa umchamo lona
DR: khokha ndoda sewukwazi ukuzwa I taste manjr uzwile ukuthi ngumchamo lo(likhokhe iphoyisa ..libone ukuthi libhayizile libuye futhi ngakusasa )
PHOYISA: dokotela nginenkinga yokungakhumbuli ebingikudla izolo ngisize (imambane le iyayifuna lemali)
DR: basebenzi lethani lelo bhodlela unumber 22.
PHOYISA: cha cha cha aii leli bhodlela layizolo lomchamo.
DR: khokha ngoba sewukhumbula ukuthi bewudlani izolo(likhokhe iphoyisa libone ukuthi libhayizile futhi phela lemali liyayifuna libuye futhi)
PHOYISA: dokotela nginekinga yokungaboni emehlweni
DR: cha ngeke sikwazi ukukusiza lapho bamba naku uR5000 wakho besho bemnika uR50
PHOYISA: hawu engani ngu R50 njr loo
DR: khokha ngoba usuyabona ukuthi malini lee ……..iphoyisa lavele laqaleka
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During church service, this 16-year old pastor’s daughter stood up and said: “Praise the Lord!” Everybody shouted with joy: “Hallelujah!!”. She continued:
“Since the age of 13, I’ve been experiencing painful monthly periods. But now, after a series of Bible studies and prayers with brother Solomon in his house, my monthly periods have stopped for more than 3 months now. No more pain, no more menstruation. You can see I’m even getting fatter and prettier. We are starting to pray seriously about the small problem of vomiting, especially in the morning. Praise the Lord”.
The whole church was silent… and
Brother Solomon fainted!!!
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A couple had a quarrel one evening. When it was time to sleep, the man lay on the floor while the lady slept on the bed. Later into the night, the husband had an erection, he then held his small man and said “you better sleep, didn’t you see that I quarreled with her?”
The lady replied:
“don’t involve everybody in our quarrels, the case is between you and I, don’t involve him. Allow him to come and play with his friend”
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If children of israel were like girls of today
while crossing the red sea, they would have
spent the whole day in the middle of the sea
taking pictures and uploading on facebook, twitter, Instagram and all types of social networks with posts/status like:
1. Chilling with Moses
2. Miracle things on point .
3. Me and Moses before crossing the sea.
4. Can’t wait to see the promised land
5. Pharaoh dololo can’t catch us.
6. Eee what a Fish 😍
7. Finally we have won the battle
8. Tholukuthi Moze is our chief 😜😜😜
9. Moses the coolest nigger
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I have a girlfriend who is a police officer. When she misses me, she just come to my house in uniform and arrest me in presence of my wife and take me to her home till the next day.
Then she bring me back and tell my wife “we are not done with investigations yet. I shall pick him up anytime we want more from him“
And my innocent wife will always say: ‘madam officer, God bless you for handling my husband’s case with care I will make sure he is always available anytime you need him”. Share & enjoy your day as you put smile on somebody’s face also.
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Teacher:What does HIV stands for?
Boy:Holiday in Victoria falls.
Teacher:(Angry)u kids are stupid last week lathi umntwana wemvu yimvana now u keep repeating your stupidity, and wena Fatso i asked you nicely ukuthi’what’s a baby lizzard called’and u said Lizzy.Cynthia lawe uyahĺeka.That day i asked you where fish come from and u said egabheni.l give up manje.Tsitsi akungiphendule, ilizwe elilungisa amakombi kuthwa kungaphi?
Tsitsi:tsikombi
Teacher:Simba make a sentence ele word ‘sugar’.
Simba:umama unatha itiye.
Teacher: manje ibala elithi ‘sugar’lingaphi khonapho?
Simba:liphakathi kwetiye
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Ukudelela kwamaSmall House
Unamntwana:Ngicela ukukhuluma lomnikazi wefon
Small House:Usagqoka icondom izandla zakhe zigcwele amafutha
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Colleagues Bill,Jim and Scott are attending a convention together and staying in a Hotel suit on the top of a 75-storey skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they’re shocked to hear the lifts in their hotel are out of order and that they have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill says to Jim and Scott ”lets break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concestrating on something intresting i’ll tell jokes for 25 storeys,Jim can sing songs for 25 and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stops telling jokes and Bill begins to sing. At 51th floor Jim stops singing and Scott begins to tell sad stories ”I’LL TELL MY SADDEST STORY FIRST” I LEFT OUR ROOM KEY AT THE RECEPTION
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I went to Genesis Hotel through Exodus road. On the
way, i saw Leviticus recording the Numbers of
people at Deuteronomy, while Joshua was waiting at
the beautiful gate for Judges to see Ruth calling
loudly “Samuel,Samuel” . At a stage, the, first and second Kings of Chronicles
were coming to visit Ezra, Nehemiah and Esther for
the misfortune of Job their
brother.
Then they noticed that Mr Psalms was teaching his
children Proverbs concerning Ecclesiastes while singing the Songs of Solomon. This coincided with the period that Isaiah and
Jeremiah were engaged in Lamentation for Ezekiel
and
Daniel their friend.
By that time, Amos and Obadiah were not around. Three days later, Hosea, Joel and Jonah traveled in
the same ship with Micah and Nahum to Jerusalem.
Habakkuk then visited Zephaniah who introduced
him to Haggai a friend of Zechariah whose cousin is
Malachi. Immediately after the old tradition,Matthew,
Mark, Luke and John got involved in Acts with the Romans who were behaving like the
Corinthians,who were always at loggerhead with the
Galatians.
At that time too, the Ephesians realizing that the
Philippians were close to the Colossians,suggested to
the Thessalonians that they should first of all see Timothy who had gone to the
house of Titus to
teach Philemon his younger brother how to read
and write in Hebrew.
On hearing this, James asked Peter to explain to him
how the three Johns have disclosed to Jude the Revelation of my journey. gudmrng
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