Men that beat their girlfriend’s if they did something wrong, aren’t real men..Us real men,we just ask for a pillow fight without letting her know there’s a brick inside my pillow

Dating a skinny chick is a problem when she is like
”Babe switch off the fan it’s pushing me”

A naked woman robbed a bank
none of the men remembers her face

The Only Time I’ll Chase A Girl Is When
She Had My Phone Without Password!!!

“Look Officer, I’m Not Trying To Be A SmartAss:
But If You Caught Me Over Speeding;
Then You Were Over Speeding Too!!!

Just because a mosquito Bit* You, all you
could do was to kill it…
Did you ever think if it was an Orphan?
Or a motherless Baby mosquito that
desperately needs to feed?
Or a poor mosquito who has been ignored
by the rich in d land of the Mosquitoes?
Or a maid mosquito that has been chased
away
What if the Mosquito has been kidnapped 4
a long time
OR Mosquito that had a recent breakup ?
And is heartbroken
Did you think of that?
No….You only think about yourself

An illiterate father with his
educated son went on a camping
trip.
They set up their tent and fell
asleep.
Hours later.. Father wakes his son
and asks:
“Look up to the sky and tell me what
you see.”
Son: I see millions of stars.
Father: What does that tell you?
Son: Astronomically, it tells that
there are millions of planets and
galaxies.
Father slaps the son hard and says:
“Idiot, someone has stolen our
tent!”
LESSON: EDUCATION ruins COMMON
SENSE

A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, “You know there are only nine words here? You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”

Little Johnny’s father asked for report card.
Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”
“Why not?” His father asked.
“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.
Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.