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Never force children to Pray.
At
dinner, …

A little boy was ordered to lead in prayer…:

BOY: But i dont know how to
pray.

DAD: Just pray for your family
members, friends and
neighbours, the poor, etc

BOY: “Dear Lord..”
he started

Thank u for our visitors and
their children, who finished all my cookies and ice
cream.

Bless them so they won’t come
again.

Forgive our neighbour’s
son, who always remove
my sister’s clothes and wrestle with her on her
bed.

This coming Christmas, please
send clothes to all
those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Blackberry!

…and also provide shelter for the homeless men who use
mom’s
room when daddy is at work!

°°°AMEN°°°°

………Dinner was cancelled!

Don’t be selfish,
Please ‘share’ the fun!

Hahahaha



Nothing increases your blood pressure
than a Rich guy that wants your girlfriend

If i say I’m in Dubai and u happen to see me around…
then you’re also in Dubai

“Hugoterong Bata”

Anak: Nay? (Nakaharap sa libro)
Nanay: Yes anak? (Habang Nagtutupi)
Anak: Buti pa po kayo isang tawag lang sumasagot na po kayo samantalang siya text o tawag hindi man lang niya masagot minsan kinkansel pa niya.
Nanay: (Napataas ang Kilay) Bakit kayo ba?
Anak: Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala kami para manumbat sakanya, wala nga pala akong karapatan magreklamo.😑😑
Nanay: Mag aral ka na nga lang (Medyo inis na)
Anak: Oo nay,
Nanay: Buti naman.
Anak: Pinag aaralan ko naman na siyang kalimutan, pero ang hirap parin.
Nanay: KAW NA BATA KA HINDI KA PA BA TITIGIL SA KAKAHUGOT MO? BAKA GUSTO MO IPAKAIN KO NG BUO YANG LIBRONG HAWAK MO NANG DUMUBLE YANG SAKIT NA NARARAMDAMAN MO, KE-BATA BATA EH!NI HINDI MO PA NGA ALAM MAGTUPI NG MGA DAMIT MO O GUSTO MO IKAW ANG TUPIIN KO!!!
Anak: Sabi ko nga Nay mag aaral na lang ako, magbabasa na lang ako ng libro hindi na po kita iistorbohin.


May isang BABAE na mas mahal niya ang Kanyang BESTFRIEND kesa kan’yang BOYFRIEND!
Isang araw nagising si GIRL na duguan ang kanyang BESTFRIEND sa tabi nya. At may hawak na KUTSILYO ang kanyang BOYFRIEND, kaya tumawag si GIRL ng PULIS at ipinakul0ng n’ya ang kanyang BOYFRIEND, At ang masaklap pa ay nahatulan ang kanyang BOYFRIEND ng KAMATAYAN, at ng mamatay na ang kanyang BOYFRIEND, Tumawag ang KAIBIGAN ni GIRL at ang sabi “Pinagtangkaan kang GAHASAIN at PATAYIN ng BESTFRIEND mo habang natutulog ka, Peru mas SWERTE ka dahil, dumating ang BOYFRIEND mo at iniligtas ka.
‘kaya naman napaupo si GIRL habang UMIYAK. Pinagsisihan ni GIRL ang kanyang nagawa, Peru HULI na ang lahat dahil patay na ang kanyang BOYFRIEND. at dahil dun narealize ni GIRL na hindi lahat ng BESTFRIEND ay mabait dahil may iba na mabait lang pagkaharap ka. peru pagtalikod mo TRAYDOR pala.

Boy: Best may napaginipan ako kagabe.
Girl: Oh anu naman Yun?
Boy: Nasa loob daw tayo ng nasusunog na bahay. Ikaw, ako at ang girlfriend ko. Tapos kailangan daw may iligtas ako pero isa lang sainyo.
Girl: Sino iniligtas mo?
Boy: Ikaw.
Girl: Bakit ako? (kinililig)
Boy: Kasi best friend kita, pinangako ko sasarili ko naililigtas kita kahit anung mangyari kahit Ikamamatay ko pa.
Girl: (Tuwang tuwa) Eh panu yung girlfriend mo?
Boy: Binalikan ko sya at dalawa kaming nasunog sa loob.
Girl: Huh? Bakit….???
Boy: Kasi ipinangako ko sakanya na Hindi ko sya iiwan hanggang sa Kamatayan..


“Kapag tatlo, threesome.
Kapag dalawa, twosome.
Kapag single, handsome.
Kaya maraming gwapo na single.”


“Ang babae at bakla ay parang batchoy lang yan.
Yung babae, regular at ang bakla, special.
With egg kasi.”

“Mag-ingat sa pag-date ngayong Pebrero.
Baka hindi diploma makuha mo sa Marso.
Kundi Tropiyo.”


“Pinoy Henyo”

Pedro: Tao ba To?
Juan: Hindi
Pedro: Lugar ba to?
Juan: Hindi!
Pedro: Bagay ba to?
Juan: Oo! Oo!
Pedro: Gamit sa bahay?
Juan: Oo! Pedro: Ginagamit sa Kusina?
Juan: Oo! Oo!
Pedro: Matalim ba to?
Juan: Oo!
Pedro: Ginagamit panghiwa ng sibuyas at bawang?
Juan: Oo! Oo!
Pedro: Pass


Mag-aaway lang, walang hiwalayan”

Maria: Babe, pagod na ako.
Boknoy: Oh eh, magpahinga ka muna.
Maria: Pagod na nga ako.
Boknoy: Ahh
Maria: Sabi ko pagod na ako. Sobrang napapagod na.
Boknoy: And then ?
Maria: Tapusin na natin gto ! Rigth now ! Wala na tong relationship nato, wala na !
Boknoy: Oh ? Okay.
Maria: P*tang Ina, Manhid kaba? Ano, Hindi mo ba na Gets?! Ayuko na, Pagod na Pagod na ako sa’yo!
Boknoy: T@ng Ina mo rin ! Bakit, Ako ba Hindi Pagod?! Ha?! Yung mga Efforts ‘ko sa’yo, Pagpupuyat ‘ko sa’yo, Yung Pagsama ko sa’yo sa mga Lakad mo, kahit na Ayuko, Sumasama pa din Ako sa’yo! Yung mga Paglalambing ‘ko sa’yo?! Akala mo ba, Nakakapagod ‘yun?! Yung Tipong pag mag Sho-shopping kapa! Bitbit ‘ko yan Lahat! Kaya, Hu’wag mo ‘kong Susumbatan, Kasi ‘ko? Napapagod na din sa’yo!
Maria: Oh, edi tapusin na nain to.
Boknoy: Pero, Hindi Porket Pagod na ‘ko,Tatapusin na na’tin ‘to agad! Kaya, Kahit Mapagod pa ‘ko, Wala Akong Planong Tigilan ka, Sukuan ka! Kasi, Alam mo yun? Mahal na Mahal kita.
Maria: (niyakap si Boknoy) Sorry babe.
Boknoy: Hu’wag ‘kang Mag Alala, Alam ‘kong Responsibilidad kita. Kaya Please? Hu’wag ‘mong Irason na, Pagod ka na. Kasi Ako kahit Pagod na Pagod Ako. Wala Akong Planong Iwanan ka. Mahal kita eh. Diba? Mahal na mahal kita. Akin ka lang. I love you
Maria: Opo babe, iloveyoutoo.

Once a Lawyer was travelling by train from Liverpool to Manchester.

When the train started, he realized he was traveling alone in the business class. A few minutes later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat!

The lady kept smiling at him and eventually she sat next to him …. the lawyer kept bubbling with Joy.

She then leaned towards him and whispered in his ear … “Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me, else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me”. The Lawyer stared blankly at her!!

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote “I am sorry, I can not hear or speak … Please write on this paper whatever you want to say”

The lady wrote everything that she had said earlier and gave it back to him!

The Lawyer took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket … got up and told her in clear tones …
*Now SHOUT & SCREAM!!!*

Moral of the story:

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*

If you don’t know how to get your dealings documented, you better learn this 2018. Once your transaction is documented the Law of evidence vindicates you.


*Even if ur wife has two simcards,*
*Save them as wife, NOT wife1 and wife2*

This message is brought to you by a hospitalized husband.

Guy: Doctor, My girlfriend is pregnant but we always used double protection. Then, how is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.

“There was a Hunter who always carried a Gun wherever he went. One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died.

Guy:This is totally Nonsense. “Someone else must have shot the Lion”

Doctor: Good!!
Next patient please…have a lovely day

Who is a MAN?

A man is the most beautiful part of God’s creation.

He sacrifices his dreams for just a smile on his parents’ face.

He spends his entire pocket money on buyng gifts for the lady he loves, just to see her smiling.

He sacrifices his full youth for his wife & children by working late at night without any complaint.

He builds their future by taking loans from banks & repaying them for his entire lifetime.

He struggles a lot & still has to bear scolding from his mother, wife and boss.

His life ends up only by compromising for others’ happiness.

If he goes out, he is careless.

If he stays at home, he is lazy.

If he scolds his children, he is a monster.

If he doesn’t scold them, he is an irresponsible man.

If he stops his wife from working, then he is an insecure man.

If he doesn’t stop his wife from working, then he is somebody who lives on his wife’s earnings.

If he listens to mom, he is mama’s boy.

If he listens to his wife, he is, his wife’s slave.

If he does not play he is too serious, stern and stiff.

If he plays, he is a joker who never matures.

If he dresses well, he is extravagant and a possible womanizer. If he doesn’t dress well, he is a loser who is not a gentleman.

If he helps his wife, he is taken for a fool. If he doesn’t help his wife, he is cruel and wicked.

Respect every male in your life. You will never know what he has sacrificed for you.

Worth sending to every man to make him smile & every woman to make her realise a man’s worth!

HAPPY MEN’S DAY!
Which never comes..